Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize