god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Randomize
