I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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