I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
