Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Did I show you my penis last night?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
