Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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