You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
