Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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