I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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