I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
