I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
