Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
