Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
