I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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