Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
