Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
