I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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