I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
