I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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