The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
