She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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