She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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