he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
