I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Pooping to opera.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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