I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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