I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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