Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
