dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
