Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
