i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
