He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
