the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
a search helicopter?!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
