I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
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I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
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The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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