my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
