You smell like a Billy Joel song
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
