First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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