So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
