I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
