I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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