and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
