True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
