He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
