Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
