I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
