party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
