Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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