i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
