I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
