he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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