There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
