I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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