i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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