tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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