i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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