im drinking this country out of the recession.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
