Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
