hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
