why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I could fuck to npr.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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